Welcome to Addicted
A Kiss is Just a Kiss by CrisisKris
Title: A Kiss is Just a Kiss
Author: CrisisKris (kmatwood@shaw.ca)
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: SS/SB
Summary: Sirius is confused about his feelings for Snape. Will he figure it out before it's too late?
Disclaimer: A kiss is just a kiss. A smile is just a smile. I don't own any of this. I just use it for a while.
Notes: Part of the Severus Snape Fuh-Q Fest (3rd wave); written in response to a three word challenge: radiant, reclining, and snugglebunny. thoughts
Archiving: This site, all others please ask.
Sirius Black's kitchen was once again filled with noise, as the Order discussed their strategy for increasing support within the Ministry of Magic. He, himself, wasn't paying much attention to the conversation because there was little he could do, stuck at home as he was with only a screaming portrait of his mother and a house-elf that despised him for company. Sirius let the conversation wash over him in waves, hoping it would drown out his frustration.
Presently he became aware of a silence, and he looked up to see Albus rising from the table. "Where are you going?" Arthur Weasley asked.
Albus looked a bit startled, as if he hadn't realized he was acting strangely. "To let Severus in, of course," he replied.
Sirius perked up, and he trotted out of the kitchen behind the old man. He'd recently changed the passwords that would let people through the wards on the front door, and he'd been looking forward to this all week. Severus was going to have to say it. Albus frowned at him disapprovingly, but his eyes were all a-twinkle as he slowed down. "Best make sure it's really him, hmm?" he said, winking. Sirius grinned in anticipation.
They listened as Severus climbed the front step, tested the door, and found the wards intact. Sirius waited for that cold, disdainful voice to say it...
But the embarrassed sneer he was expecting didn't come. Instead, a very tired voice, tight with pain, croaked out, "Snuffle's rabbits." Sirius did a double-take. It would have been hilarious except that Snape sounded so done in. "Snuffle rabbit," Snape tried again, and then cursed, "No, right, bunny, it was bunny - Snuffle's bunny." There was a loud thump, as if Snape had walked right into the door.
Sirius looked over at Albus, whose face was completely somber now. "Something's not right," the Headmaster muttered. He rushed to the door and waved the wards down, pulling it open. Snape tumbled in.
Sirius stood in shock as the Potions master fell against Albus, hitting the floor on his knees. He was covered in grime and was shaking uncontrollably. Sirius had never - not in all the years he'd taunted the man, not even after the Shrieking Shack incident - seen Snape shake like that. The Animagus stared, wide-eyed.
"Severus, are you hurt?" Albus exclaimed, kneeling before the other man. Snape clutched at him, hands fisting in the Headmaster's robes. He groaned, his face tight with pain, but could not speak. The older wizard pulled him into a tight embrace.
Sirius became aware of movement behind him, and faces appeared in the kitchen doorway. "Is everything all right?" Remus asked. "I thought I smelled blood..." his voice trailed away as he took in the mess in Albus's arms. "I'll fetch Poppy," he finished, turning back to the kitchen.
Albus nodded. He rocked Severus back and forth very gently, stroking his hair. "Molly, would you be a dear and make us some tea? Sirius, do you have any calming potions? Sirius?"
Sirius jolted out of his shock at the sharpness in the Headmaster's tone. It took a moment, but he managed to tear his eyes away from the moaning, barely-conscious form of the Potions master and met Albus's gaze, nodding belatedly. "Right - I don't know. I'll check." Slowly, he turned away and moved toward the Sitting Room, where they'd been storing their first aid supplies. Just as he reached the threshold of the room, he heard Albus addressing the rest of the Order, saying, "Well, I would say our meeting is adjourned for the evening, wouldn't you?"
By the time he'd dug through the odds and ends they'd complied as first aid supplies and found the lone bottle of Serenitus Balm, Poppy Pomfrey had Flooed over, and together she and Albus had lain the Potions master out on the couch. The Medi-witch was leaning over the injured man as Sirius re-entered the room. Tea sat unattended on a nearby table, the only indication that anyone else had been here; all the other Order members had disappeared. Feeling strangely out of place, Sirius crept through the room and set the vial down beside the teapot.
"Thank you, Sirius," Albus said, coming to sit by the fire. The radiant light reflected in his blue eyes, which were large and sad.
"What happened to him?" Sirius asked. "Was it - "
"I believe it was Aurors, actually," Albus replied. "He's been beaten, but not cursed. Voldemort rarely stoops down to such a base level; he rather thrives on the use of Dark magic, I should think."
Sirius's mouth went dry; he poured himself a cup of tea and drank it one gulp, ignoring the bitterness of it. "Aurors," he repeated. "Our side did this."
"You mustn't think in terms of sides, Sirius. Nothing is ever that clear."
That felt like something far too complex for Sirius to sort out at the moment, so instead he asked, "Is he going to be all right?"
Albus sighed. "I think so. Poppy's very good at what she does. But he does need rest - and I don't want to risk moving him just yet. I trust there is space for him here?"
"All I've got is space," Sirius replied, watching the Medi-witch work. She had divested Severus of his filthy outer robes, and Sirius could see the darkening bruises on his arms and neck where someone had held him down and, presumably, someone else had tried to choke him. "What's wrong with him?"
"He's been strangled half to death, for one," Poppy announced, straightening up. "He's got several broken ribs, and a fracture in his left arm. I think he probably blew that knee of his again. And he's upset," she added, fixing a glare on the Animagus, "So don't provoke him." Sirius's eyes widened, and he shook his head. For some reason, the site of his age-old enemy in severe pain didn't bring him any joy at all. Must be growing up, he thought incidentally.
Severus sat up slowly. "I'm fine, woman," he croaked, sounding anything but. "I simply need to return to my chambers and rest."
Poppy shook her head, pointing a finger at him. "Oh no, you don't. Not this time, young man. You will stay here. You will rest here. You will not strain yourself in any way, or you will find yourself firmly ensconced in my infirmary until I see fit to release you."
Severus glared. "I can't stay here," he argued. "Nott and MacDonald both saw me get caught. They'll be expecting me to show up at Malfoy's. If I was truly a Death Eater, I surely wouldn't run to Albus Dumbledore after escaping from Aurors." He moved to sit up, his face contorting in agony.
Albus stood and placed a calming hand on the other man's shoulder, pushing the potion Sirius had retrieved into his hands. "I'll take care of it," Albus said. "You escaped only to be recaptured by the infamously paranoid Mad Eye Moody. He took you someplace to question you privately - you don't know where it was, probably his own dungeons. It took you three days to escape, and now you have to come up with some excuse for why you missed Monday's classes."
Severus shook his head. "It took me two days to escape, and then I had to go teach Monday's classes."
"Severus," Albus began, looking dissatisfied.
"Two days, no more." The Headmaster acquiesced, and he and Poppy quietly gathered their things.
"I'll be in to look on you in the morning," the Medi-witch said, "Don't kill each other before then, all right, boys?"
Now that they were alone, Sirius became aware of a distinctly uncomfortable feeling. On his own, he had absolutely no idea how to handle a weak and vulnerable Snape. "So," he said, shifting on his feet awkwardly. "Do you need anything?"
Snape sneered. "Not from you," he replied. Sirius felt something click back into place - Snape was still Snape, rude, sarcastic, and annoying, even if he was hurt.
"Fine. I'll show you to your room then."
"Oh, don't trouble yourself on my account."
Sirius sighed in frustration. "If you'd rather I leave you alone to crawl up the stairs, believe me I wouldn't protest!" he exclaimed. "But I'm trying to play nice here, Snape, so shove it."
Snape huffed. "I am unaccustomed to... playing with canines," he sneered.
Sirius hauled him to his feet, none too gently, and started guiding him up to the stairs. "No, I imagine you prefer to play with snakes," he muttered back. Snape just hissed and glared.
They came to the room, one of the nicest in the house. Sirius dumped the other man on the bed. He ruthlessly quashed a flash of guilt that went through him when Snape's face contorted in pain. "Good night, Snivellus," he sneered, and walked away before the other man could retort.
I hate him, Sirius thought a few minutes later, lying in bed and staring at the ceiling. I hate him, I do. He's rude and ignorant and cruel, and... and he just got beaten up by our side because he's doing something incredibly brave and playing both sides, which is a lot more than you can say for yourself, another voice spoke up. Sirius sighed. "Bugger," he muttered. I really shouldn't have hurt him.
Not that he had any intention of apologizing, but Sirius couldn't quite shake the feeling that he'd done something wrong. This maturity stuff kind of sucks, he thought idly. He rolled over onto his stomach, then to his side, punched his pillow, and rolled onto his back again. He really is a bastard, he told himself. Yes, his self replied, but so are you.
"All right," he groaned out loud, mostly to drown out the argument in his head. "I'm going." He found his feet and padded out of the room, heading down the corridor. I'll just check that he's comfortable, and then my amends will be made and I can get back to hating him in peace, he thought, knocking softly on the door. "Severus?" There was no answer. Maybe he's sleeping. "Severus?" Trying to be quiet, Sirius eased the door open and poked his head in. Severus was nowhere to be seen - the bed was empty. "Snape, where are you?" he called, entering the room. Even in the dark, his eyes were sharp, and it was clear that the room was empty. Puzzled, he turned around, thinking that perhaps the other man had decided to leave after all.
As he headed toward his bedroom, he became aware of a light on down the hall coming from the lavatory. "Ah," he said to himself, nodding. That explained it. Now he could go to bed.
Except that he found his body walking past his room, past the next room even, until it stopped in front of the bathroom door. His hand lifted and knocked the door before Sirirus's brain could quite catch up to it. "What is it?" Snape's irritated voice called out, still raspy but better than before.
Sirius flushed in the dark of the hall. Hoping he didn't look too embarrassed, he opened the door and poked his head in. Severus was reclining in the claw foot tub, and the room smelled slightly of sandalwood. "Just wanted to make sure you're okay," the Animagus started, but his voice trailed off as his eyes drunk in the other man's body, lithe and pale, with a dusting of fine dark hair covering well-defined muscles. Sirius swallowed. He hadn't expected seeing the Potions master naked would be this... beautiful...
"Enjoying yourself?" Snape's menacing tone cut through his reverie, and he startled, blushing so hard that this time there could be no doubt of it.
"Sorry," he muttered, pulling back. He marched himself back to his room, cheeks burning, and flung himself on his bed. What in Merlin's name was wrong with him? He hated the man; why was he acting like this? Sirius was confused. After a moment of thinking far too much for his own comfort, he decided to do what he always did when he got too confused: he changed into Padfoot and curled into a ball on the bed to sleep.
Sirius woke late that day, and came down the stairs to find Severus already awake and dressed, leaning over a cauldron. "Do you always sleep in canine form?" The Potions master asked as the other man entered the room.
"Only when I'm confused," he answered honestly.
"So you always sleep in canine form, then."
Sirius sneered at Severus's back but chose not to take the bait. "What are you working on?" he asked instead.
Severus snorted. "Snugglebunny stew," he replied.
Sirius laughed despite himself. "I thought you'd forgotten the password," he replied.
"I had," Severus answered, setting the lid on the cauldron and turning around. "Last night I was not at my best. But honestly, Black, was it necessary to use such a...pastoral word? It is so unlike anything I've ever thought of that I do confess to having difficulty recalling it."
"It's not pastoral, it's cute," Sirius replied. "And I chose it just to hear you sneer." Severus responded in typical form. "Just like that," Sirius laughed.
He was feeling strangely comfortable and had just settled down on the couch to enjoy his morning tea when Snape shoved a vial in his hand. "For your pet wolf," he said coldly.
Sirius frowned. One minute, we're joking, the next minute he's a bastard again, he thought. "I think you're just jealous because I have a friend and you don't," he shot back. To his surprise, a fleeting look of pain crossed Snape's features before he schooled them back into his usual blank expression.
"Good day, Black," Snape replied, striding to the door. Before Sirius could even ask where he was going, or what he was supposed to say to Albus, the other man was gone.
Sirius spent the day wandering from room to room, avoiding Kreacher at all costs and staying well away from his mother's portrait. Nothing seemed to be able to hold his attention, not even the arrival of Remus and Tonks around midday. He was moody and introspective, and he couldn't seem to shake it., barely even noticing when they left.
It all had to do with Snape, he knew. Something about the man was bothering him - it made him angry that Severus Snape was human, that he showed vulnerability, because it meant that Sirius felt guilty about baiting him and hurting him the way he had when they were children. But at the same time, it made him happy that Severus Snape was human, because he was very much intrigued by the human side of the man, the side that let Albus Dumbledore rock him, who showed his wit through sarcastic jokes, and who took baths in scented oils. And the body... the body intrigued him. Sirius knew he was gay, he'd had 12 years to reflect on who and what he wanted, but Severus Snape had never occurred to him as an object of desire.
That's not entirely true, you know, the annoyingly correct voice inside him piped up. You felt something in sixth year, that's why you...
"Shut up," he said out loud. He didn't want to think about it. Except that he did. Sirius collapsed into a chair, sighing. Everything was messed up.
The feeling was vaguely familiar, though, and that's what bothered him the most. It reminded him of being in fifth year again, watching James mercilessly attack Snape time and time again, sometimes taking pleasure in it, and sometimes feeling sickened by it. Because you were attracted to him, his conscience reminded him. You wanted him and you were angry at him because you were too afraid to be who you were. You wanted to blame him because you felt desire for another man.
Sirius ground his palms against his eyes. Was that really it? Was that the missing piece? He'd spent long hours in Azkaban trying to figure out what it was about Severus Snape that had made him act the way he did, risking Remus's freedom and Severus's life so carelessly. But he'd never quite allowed himself to put the pieces together until now.
"But so what?" he asked himself, pacing. There was nothing he could do about it. Severus Snape made it quite clear that he had no interest in civil conversation, let alone any kind of friendship, to say nothing of anything more. Except that he'd slipped this morning, joking with Sirius instead of insulting him. Sirius thought maybe the cold comment about Remus was an attempt to create distance because they had been comfortable with each other. Maybe Severus was confused as well - and he couldn't change into a dog to get out of it.
Sirius sighed again. Well, he could, and it sounded like a good idea. A moment later, Padfoot was trotting through the house, content to sniff out and harass Kreacher, all other thoughts easily cast aside.
He was startled back into human form some hours later, by a shout at the door, "Snugglebunny!" Severus Snape tore into the house, skidding to an abrupt stop as the form of Sirius Black shimmered into shape near the hearth. "Thank Merlin!," Snape exclaimed.
"What's the matter?" Black asked, confused.
Snape snorted. "Your foolish godson seemed to think you had been captured. I was worried that Malfoy had tracked you down - he recognized you when you saw Potter off to the train at the start of the year, you know."
"You were worried about me?"
Severus dropped his gaze, hiding behind his hair. "Honestly, Black. Why must you always single out the most embarrassing thing I say for repetition?"
Sirius grinned. "Do you want tea?" He invited. Snape nodded, settling down on the couch. Sirius poured them both a cup of tea, and joined him. "So tell me what my godson is up to."
Severus sneered. "No good, no doubt," he replied. "He was in Umbridge's office, getting in trouble. He said something about Padfoot being captured, and then I left. I wanted to get here as quickly as possible, in case something really was the matter."
"Thanks for your concern."
"I was only acting in the Order's interest, I assure you." Severus danced away from the intimacy, focusing on his tea. Sirius let him create the space he seemed to need, watching the way his long hands played with his tea cup, taking in the swing of his hair. "You seem to enjoy staring at me lately," Severus mumbled.
Sirius recognized it as the invitation it was, and took a deep breath. "I've been very confused lately," he confessed. "But I did figure one thing out..." He never got a chance to finish his sentence because just then, Tonks head appeared in the fireplace.
"Oh good, you're both here," she said breathlessly. "Look, there's something going on at the Ministry of Magic. We think Harry's involved, and we're all to get over there. Albus wants you to get back to the school and make sure all the students are all right," she added, looking at Snape. "And you're to stay put and stay on the alert," she finished, looking at Sirius. Then she pulled back and was gone.
"I'm afraid I'll have to cut our conversation short," Severus began, but Sirius was already on his feet, pulling on his boots and reaching for his wand, his face flushed. "What are you doing? Albus told you to stay here!"
"Harry could be in trouble," he replied, excited and worried at the same time. "Besides, this is the first opportunity I've had for action in months."
"Sirius!" It was the first time that Severus had used his given name in as long as he could remember, but Sirius didn't have time to notice it now. Instead, he just grinned at the other, pulling on his cloak.
"Don't worry," he replied, and then leaned in and did one of the most impulsive things of his life: he lifted Snape's head in his hands, and kissed him soundly. The Potions master tasted of faintly of bergamot, and his lips were softer than they looked. Severus made a startled noise, and Sirius used the opportunity to slip his tongue inside the other man's mouth, exploring. Snape let him, brushing his own tongue against Sirius lips, tasting him as well. Time stretched into eternity.
Then Sirius broke away with a grin, and twisted out of Severus's arms. "Wait!" the Potions master called after him, but Sirius had disappeared, and Padfoot was flying out the door.
The Department of Mysteries, so recently the site of such a flurry of activity, was silent once more. Nothing stirred, in fact, in the whole Ministry; night cast her spell on everything and all was quiet. Severus Snape slipped through the corridor, his face grim, as silent as the air around him.
It wasn't difficult getting into the Department of Mysteries, although he suspected that Albus Dumbledore might have played a part in paving his way. Quicker than he'd expected, he found himself standing in the dark, the veil across from him, looking around at the nothingness before him. As if sensing his presence, the souls behind the veil began whispering, the word indistinguishable and soft.
"Black," Severus whispered, and his silky voice sounded harsh and loud next to the murmurs of the dead. "Sirius, are you there?" If there was a reply, Severus couldn't identify it. He swallowed, but continued. "Sirius. I don't know what that was about. That kiss. I don't know why you did that." He began to pace around the room. "I do not understand it, but I have chosen to take it as a reconciliation. Very well. I have come to fulfill my side of the amends." He pulled a small object out of his cloak, holding it thoughtfully in his slender hands. "I am unaccustomed to playing with canines, but I trust this will be suitable." With a smooth motion, he tossed the object through the veil. He stood silently for a moment before adding, "I... greatly enjoyed our kiss. I regret that our first was also our last." Drawing the hood of his cloak up over his head, Snape turned and walked away.
It wasn't really a place that he was in, exactly. It was like a great, vast fog. Occasionally he ran into other people he knew, but sometimes he didn't know that he knew them, or they didn't know that they knew him, or they knew they knew each other but no one felt like talking. Sometimes there were voices from beyond, but he never paid much attention to them. In fact, what he did most was what he always did when he was confused, and no one seemed to mind a great black dog in their midst.
But this time... this was a voice he knew. Sirius flipped back into his human form and went to sit by the edge, as close to the veil as he was able to go. The words were barely distinguishable, although he heard his name quite clearly. He sat and listened, letting the tones wash over him, not even caring what the words were.
Suddenly, there was a rustling noise, and something came flying through the veil, rolling to a stop at his feet. Sirius leaned down and picked it up, curious. In his hands, he found he held a small stuffed rabbit, bright pink, with a note pinned to its chest that read:
Sufficiently cute, I trust?
See you on the other side.
~S.S.
Sirius smiled. Something cleared in his mind, and he ambled away in human form. Whatever he was, he was no longer confused about one thing. "See you when you reach this side, Severus," he replied, and he fancied that even though he knew Snape had left the room, he could still hear him.
END
Read the Sequel: "As Time Goes By"